Let's play ...Can someone hold a conversation?

Small Talk, that painfully drab form of effort we push out to hold a conversation. We have all done it, and sometimes it could be to end a painfully awkward conversation, to fill uncomfortable silence, or to my dismay give some half ass form of communication. Small talk has become the norm for online dating and it always leaves me feeling like I'm talking to a door. How so? Because 90 percent of the time I have become the backbone of the conversation. Giving options, categories, ideas upon ideas of topics only to get one word answers. Now one would be like, what's wrong with that? Well other then the fact I'd rather hear someone drag their nails across a chalkboard, it is the fact that I almost never get asked my opinion, or my feelings. I can't even begin to tell you the amount of times I have followed a dry ass answer with my feelings or opinion to try to contribute to the conversation. The simplicity of asking something as simple as how someone is has left me with nothing but one sided answers. The inability to carry a conversation drives me up the wall! Like how hard is it to put in effort?  And maybe it was just me tooning it out, or maybe it was me just being polite, or maybe it was my ignorance in not seeing that I was the only one trying.  The lack of effort has been something I have realized recently. It is probably the most shitty realizations that has been dropped at my eye's doorstep. I get up to the door, ring the bell, and wait patiently. I hear pattering of feet but just as they reach the door they hault. It is in the form of a seen message, or a read text or lack of conversation. One could scream and say, " The Audacity!" But the cold hard truth is, you can't make people care. You can't make people talk. You can't make people value you. You can't make people value your time or effort. And that's a BITCH! You're probably wondering like okay small talk sucks, but why does that matter? Well ya turd, it does because somehow you can make relationships out of small talk.  Did I catch your interest yet? Now let me tell you how! 

Loneliness has a way of creeping up on you like I unfortunately do with customers. Never meaning to, and often times ends with me jumping and screaming along with them because their reaction has startled me. Honestly, I need a damn bell! I move very quietly and fast and it never fails for me to have that occur more than once a day.  I'm no stranger to loneliness in fact me and that Bitch are like two peas in a pod. So it is no surprise that when a National Pandemic happened the idea of meeting someone in person went out the window. Computers are a hell of a thing, that have opened so many opportunities and for some people success stories. Let me just tell you that all of my relationships thus far have been from meeting someone over the internet, and not one, not one single time has it ever worked out. And this is where my Neighbors voice blares in my head. "You can't meet a decent guy over the internet!" Or one of her ever popular ones," They're all just a bunch of losers that are looking for pussy!" But hands down my favorite has been, "You need to meet someone in real life because these internet guys are all a waste!" She reminds me a lot of my Mother and what I assume having an older sister would be like. Forever my kick in the Ass and I have never been more grateful for one. While it is a blessing to have a kick in the ass when you need one, I would be remise to say that my Stubborn ways never cease to fail. Or now as I'm beginning to see it as my blind optimism or even my optimistic ignorance. Anyways, so I joined FB Dating because hey it's free and why not? I mean I had already tried Match, E Harmony, OK Cupid, and Hinge. And here I am thinking again maybe I'll be like one of those girls who gets lucky and meet their person. I have plenty of friends who have met their significant others that way so I mean, maybe? After taking sometime to branch out and be more open I stumbled upon a guy I generally would never have given a second glance too. We talked for 3 months during the Pandemic and would be together for 5 months after. Idk if that counts as 8 months, but I count it that way... For me anyways, I wasn't talking to anyone else, him who knows.... Every single night, whether it was by phone, text, or facetime. He became my muse and then it was time to meet him. I spent a whole weekend with him and I was hooked. He was intoxicating and a rebel. For the first few months it was good. And we lived happily ever after! The END! ( Record Scratch) You're probably realizing by now that your Girl done fed you some bullshit! And you would be absolutely FUCKING CORRECT!  Reality, like Loneliness has a way of gripping your ass up and Smacking you until you wake up. I'll be honest, Bitch got hands! It is easy to pretend like everything was perfect, but it be a lie. I put my damn blinders on. I knew there were flags, I saw them as if the referee was tossing them in the air right in front of me. Shit the man almost swallowing his whistle trying to alert me that it's a RED FLAG JACKASS! What could these Red flags be you might wonder... Conversation would become a thing of the past. And if there was any it would be me reaching out. Effort was nonexistence. He would often take his frustrations out on me not in yelling but in silent treatment, or backlash when I would continue to check on him. Small talk became our relationships backbone. I'd only see him on the weekends because he worked and so did I along with being a Single Mom ( Thank God for my Family and their help!) We would begin to argue because of his confusing demeanor. What does that mean? Well he would say that he didn't want to talk, or ignore me and then what would happen? A status update, a collage of photos rebutting everything he just said. He could talk, he wanted to talk, he could hold full conversations, just not with me. Now a sane person would let that go, or as Aaliyah would say, "Dust yourself off and try again." Meaning me move on and try again ,but you know me by now and what would happen is a whole hell of a lot of Heartbreak. Because you can't have a healthy relationship based on Small Talk. This very thing would be the unraveling of our relationship, well that and a text in the morning, a new woman, and a line of excuses of why inevitably he couldn't commit. The truth was he never wanted to. Because I required more effort then he could give. And soon enough there was the cold hard truth. The commitment that I had longed for, worked for, and dedicated so much time to was another woman's in seconds. And with that, bitterness entered the chat.

Bitterness is like venom. It is all the possibilities, the what if's, wrapped in one. It is hurt bottled on the shelf. Everything I have strived not to be has enveloped me the moment bitterness took over. It was like every part of me that I had fought so hard to unthaw was slowly becoming an ice statue illuminating a cold brisk. One might think it was Anger and maybe somewhere in there it was, but Hurt was my Bitterness' real name. The hard reality I had to face was that my lack of confidence is my biggest problem. That this very thing has overpowered me in not only this relationship, but in every one I have ever been in. That my craving for the tiniest attention has drove me to my lowest points. And why did I allow that? Because I didn't value what I brought to the table. Because I thought that I had to be good enough for him. That I had to be sexy enough. Adventurous enough. Accommodating enough. That I had to please them. Lower my voice so that theirs could be heard. Be more feminine. On call whenever they decided to pick me up as if I was an old toy sitting on the shelf. And do you know who was really to blame for any of this? Me. I had allowed myself to be complacent with attention. I had allowed myself to accept the bare minimum. I had allowed myself to beg for basic respect. I had allowed myself to become everything that is Broken and Used. And for what? To get a like, a hastily wrote text back, a message telling me they want to, "Hangout", really meaning , "Hey, let me Fuck you and then ignore you again!" For some meniscal attention when I deserve so much more. LET ME REPEAT MYSELF, I AM A MOTHERFUCKING GEM!  And DAMMIT every time I say that it feels so much better! It slips off my tongue easier, my fingers more relaxed typing the truth. Why it be easy to be hateful and to do what countless women and men have done and place blame on the other woman I simply couldn't.  Because it wasn't her, and whether she knew about me or not does not warrant my hate or any of the blame. It was never her job to dictate my place. It was never his job to dictate my place. It was my job. It was my job to stand up and demand clearance. It was my job to clarify my standards. It was my job to Demand respect. It was my job to never allow someone to waste my time. It was my job to demand my effort be reciprocated. It was my job to allow more than small talk. Was he right for what he did? No, but me being bitter was not going to change anything. It made me feel ugly, my days were rough and my heart heavy. So in time after pain swept away, my heart began to unthaw. And this time I took a new lesson. Now let me be clear, I still struggle with my Confidence. And it appears in some of the most cringe worthy messages. I'm a work in progress and I'm still worthy of Respect! BUT, Growth came through this.     

Discovery! I'm about to go full Christopher Columbus in this BITCH!  (Yes, I'm fully aware he didn't discover America, but just for the Theatrics... Run with me People!) I'm a deeply feeling person. I thrive on real in depth interactions. My soul craves depth in the purest forms. I want to know what smell is nostalgic to you. Why you can't seem to throw away that old beat up t-shirt, or why you're closer to one parent or sibling the most. I want to know what makes you think harder. What makes you want to be better, what inspires you. I want to know what song makes you feel safe, which one makes you feel free, which one makes you want to rage and conquer the world. I want to know why you hate a certain vegetable. I want to know everything and anything beyond the surface of depth. I want more then Small Talk. I want more of you! I demand more than small talk. A quote I love by (via bl-ossomed) is, "Someday someone wont be afraid of how much you love. They wont stay on the shore; they'll meet you in the depths." This quote is the little flame that rests inside my hearts window. And while loneliness aches at times, I have faith one day that things will change. And why do I have Faith? Because I'm changing, my life is changing. I'm growing and this blog is the proof of it. And if no one reads this, if this is just me baring my soul to the world it is Therapy.  If only a few read this, and it helps one person, provides some comfort or relevance, It is my relief. It is my Confidence and drive to becoming the best me I can be. The most Authentic Me. This is me Growing, and Damn it, It feels Beautiful!