A Touch of Anxiety, a Pinch of ADHD and a Splash of Ghosting!

How many times have I rewrote paragraphs picking apart line after line until I'm satisfied with the deliverance? Or tirelessly rereading word after word until my eyes hurt. Maybe even becoming easily frustrated with myself because I'm anxious that I'm going to miss a deadline. One could say that this is the struggle of a Writer, but Na my people. This is the bullshit of dealing with ADHD coupled with Anxiety. And it be easy to say that this is the only avenue for which my ADHD and Anxiety impact me negatively, but it be a lie. I could write timelessly about the times that having both has led me to being a Ghost magnet in the dating world. Hopefully you're intrigued, because I'm about to pull a Chris Angel on you. No it's not Mind Freak, it's going to be a Mind Fuck. So strap in, and enjoy the ride! 

Topics, it probably seems like they fall very easily into my lap. Or maybe even the catchy humorous titles? But you would be wrong. Like super wrong... Anyways, let me anwser the question I hit you with up front. Just to reiterate, "How many times have I rewrote paragraphs picking apart line after line until I'm satisfied with the deliverance?" Well, a lot. Like a lot, a lot.  I find myself losing focus while doing things all the time. Hell, even right now I'm fighting every urge to just get up and go lay in my bath. I have these new Watermelon bath bombs and they create the craziest colors and DAMN IT! See what I'm saying?  Because of this I rely on notes I write myself. These notes entailing  all my topics and mapping out every point I want to get to. Fun Fact: I'm a bit of an OCD freak, which isn't actually offensive because..... I have OCD. So shush it KAREN!  I catalogue all my notes in specific journals. Each of these journals holding some significance and importance to something as simple as my crafts, blog, poetry, shopping lists and well you get the point. I could start a library alone with the number of Poetry books I have. So one could say this Bitch has Organization! You're probably like Okay, good for you. Why do we need to know this? Well, because why it seems that I would have all my shit together, drum roll please..... I DON'T!  Because I now have forgot where my damn notes are. So now you're like, wait, didn't you just say you were organized? This my friends is the creative insanity I deal with all the time. Because now here I am ripping through my room turning it upside down trying to find the right journal. And I say right journal because as you recall I have a million of them.  But wait! It get's better because I had the bright idea to strategically put them in various areas for whatever reason that I only will remember when I find them. Which this only gets worse due to the fact that I no doubt only remember the information I need based on the color pen I used. Ironically, I would use thus pen in various other journals for doodles and who knows what else. So I'm scrambling flipping through pages back and forth  trying to find a damn needle in a haystack! WAIT! The best part of this is that I for some awful reason I love to write sporadically throughout my notebooks so it is never one page after the next. It is more like one and then twenty pages later another one often followed by a doodle because I cringe at my own handwriting. So now I'm frantically looking and flipping pages. Damn it! Half way through and now I can't remember for the life of me what I'm actually looking for, is it this? No, that's not the one! FUCK! Then for some reason it dawns on me that I actually have no idea why I needed my journals in the first place.  So I'm back at square one rereading my paragraph trying to incite the reminder or click that apparently sent me on the spiral of ripping my room apart in the first place. And do you know what is the biggest contradiction about that fun fact I gave y'all? That while despite have a disorder that causes you to have repetition cycles which in respect to me includes; having things equal the same, feelings, rugs, drawers, doors, oh and  Organization. It's that I'm also one of the most unorganized people you will meet. Like I know I have things and that I put them in places specifically to remember, but my brain apparently loves to mess with me because now I'm convinced that during these times of hiding or putting things away I may have been a Magician in a past life.  How you ask? Because I  swear that shit is gone! Then later when it is no longer needed I'll find it and I will remember exactly why I put it there and then this instance of where my memory was like, "Ope, don't need to remember that!" I have to say this is one of my worst character flaws, but sometimes that very thing creates gold. So maybe it is actually like my gift or something?   Is that Mind Fucking you yet? 

Examples, I have examples upon examples of how my ADHD is a dick! Another one I guess is my ability to walk into a room and absolutely forget why the fuck I'm there. Like my legs were moving, I am looking at a place I'm obviously meant to be or needed to be because I'm here. Like Naked and Afraid, I'm Puzzled and Annoyed because here I am my eyes gliding from left to right trying to force myself to remember what the hell I'm doing here. Which oddly I also look constipated squinting as though it is going to incite my memory. Surprise! I can't, so now I'm doing something during the day and then the answer to that question comes and here I am shouting that answer as if I am on a game show. This Ladies and Gentlemen, this is what it's like to have ADHD, and let me tell you it sucks ass! And all this I can handle, sure it's inconvenient but manageable. But do you want to know what I struggle with the most? It is the Anxiety that comes with this. It shows up in the most obnoxious ways. 

Texting, such a universal way to communicate. Opening many doorways specifically into relationships and dating. Taking the edge off of first dates by pre conversation and exploring topics. Sounds all cinematic and wonderful, right? But for me Texting, Anxiety and my ADHD; DO NOT MATCH! Why would my Anxiety and ADHD affect my texting and dating abilities? Well, because I over think everything! I HATE this! It always starts out so good too, which sucks in the end. Because unfortunately I'll say something and then it happens; a short response, off lettering, or maybe no response at all and boy does panic set it. So now I start to interpret what someone could feel about what I wrote or how they could of read it and now I'm trying to overexplain myself.  And Bam! They now have 6 unopened messages in their mailbox. I literally can hear that horror screeching noise that plays in the classic Monster movies, you know the one. So it is never really a surprise when guys decide to pull an Invisible Man on me. I mean it's rude and a bit of douche move, like how hard is it to communicate and just say something?  And I could go on, but that is a blog for another time. To get back to the point my ADHD and overanalyzing things because of anxiety is a real downer in this area. But to lighten this bad boy up, I have used this knowledge to help me become much kinder person, not only for other people but also for myself. Now I know you're like BITCH, how? Because, me overthinking actually helps me to be more mindful of my words. And while it does not justify others actions towards me it does help me to see that I need more Self Love. Because the reason that I'm ghosted is 50% them being a douche, and the other 50% is me not Loving myself enough to realize that my feelings are just a valid and should be valued just as much as I do others. See, I told you I was going to lighten this bitch up! 

Rough, rough does not even cover what this past year has been. A complete dumpster fire shit storm in which everything possibly that could go wrong just did. Actually, that might sum it up... I need a vacation, or some damn new scenery. So you know what? I'm creating it! This blog is my new start. It is my new state, my vacation, my stand to Love myself, and my therapy. It is me acknowledging all my short comings, my faults, my accomplishments, my drive, and all the lessons I'm learning along the way. So yeah ADHD and Anxiety are a bitch, and they have been in my life for far to long. And while I can't change them over night. Or really altogether because hello ADHD, OCD, and an Anxiety Disorder do not disappear. But Damn it! There voices are going to  get quieter, mine are going to get louder. And this will be my year of Growing, facing my fears, and Loving myself through all that makes me, imperfectly perfect. So I'm going to end this on a strong note: ADHD, Anxiety and Ghosting Douche;  you can kiss my pale, round Ass!