Time to get off My Ass and Get to Work

   It's 2021, and while it would be easy for me to just ignore the constant desires and signs that have been plaguing me for months. I decided to finally get off my ass and do something that gives me a little pep in my step. Ya know, the ole razzle dazzle! So here we are... and then starts the process of what the heck do I even write about? Like what in the shit do I have to talk about...? I'm a Mom, a single one at that. While I first started with a blog about my son, I started to realize that it became more about me trying to fit the status about the perfection expected by other people and blah so I decided to take a step back. But passion has a funny way of creeping up on you... so I sat my ass down and decided that for once I was going to write for me. Unfiltered, and sporadic and everything from being a Mom to, dating woes, to hard lessons learned. about the highs and lows, the times I cried myself to sleep, the times I had epic fight recaps of what I wish I would have said to my shampoo bottles, you name it, ya gonna get it. 

So I guess the one thing I can no doubt start to talk about is the bullshit excuse of dating experiences this year has brought me. As they say in show, lets take it from the top ladies! I am the epitome of a romantic. but not the cheesy flowers and chocolates and love story shit you see on TV networks or in movies. Granted I still cry when I watch them but still, I want the cackling like a hyena at 1 in the morning when you talk on the phone and realize that your both recap funny movie and TV scenes. I want the nerves of preparing for a first date, ripping through my closet to pick out an outfit that I undeniably end up switching more than 10 times. Meeting families and showing me where you grew up. Like I want to know where those butt-wipes lived that past out fruit for Halloween so that I can avoid their casa. I want to grow together and stand firm together in the highs and lows. The laughs and the silly arguments. I want the real damn thing. Not this tinder nightmare and dating app crap. Let me just tell you now that there is going to be some funny stories, raunchy ones, and just plain out what the hell's! But hey, maybe someone will relate and be like so I'm not the only one. 

Where does one begin? Oh yes, when you try to be friends with someone who your suppose to be practicing friends and benefits with. This would be the first and only time that you will hear me actively looking for a friends with benefits relationship bullshit getup. Any who, the backstory because ya know it is like the entrée to this story. I have been friends with this guy for over 3 years prior to this after seeing him on a mutual friends page (Yes, I'm aware that is dumb now in hindsight and this is what my ass get's friend pooching) and we would occasionally like each others stuff on the fb. Then after my last relationship was a bust I decided you know what I'm going to try the most casual thing like everyone else. Now let me just tell you I am not built for it. I'm not a half ass person, I have no use for runaround questions or this need to be someone's fill for their voids. Okay back to the story, so one day I decide to be ballsy and make the first move and here I am in the middle of Walmart messaging it up with this attractive man. Then bam it happens, I send a photo of me in just a plain white t shirt and I mean plain; like the blandest shirt ever and he comes back with a spicy notion. Any who I get done shopping and deicide to take him up on this offer and drive my hopeful ass over there. Let me just tell you now that this is the nicest guys house I have been to. Like it smelt nice, it had an actual theme for the rooms. The color scheme itself was immaculate. This man had his crap together as far as home wise. We end up talking for a bit and we make our way into the bedroom. So after looking around the room I decide to sit on his bed. I'm beyond nervous because I have absolutely no idea how this works. Like do I kiss you? Do I jump you? Is there some damn sign I signal? My nerves are the worst. But let me tell you something, when I sat on that bed and then scooted up to the top awkwardly it was the softest damn bed I have ever laid on.   Like it was what I imagine a cloud to feel like, I think I even heard my back say, "Damn bitch, we fancy." Overall he had a killer setup like the arrangement was immaculate. The TV at the foot of the bed, the Febreze in the air, the warm tone colors and the strategic positions of all his DVD's. Okay any who, so he gets on the bed and before I even get a chance to talk he engulfs my face. He had some big lips and so things start getting el fuego and it was like one, two, three pumps and we are done.... So what does any girl do when she a overly compassionate person and can sense some embarrassment? Whelp, I decided I was going to give him compliments, because I start to picture how I might feel and what I would do and honestly my mind never stops thinking so it's like what if - vomit. Only for this goon to give me some long drawn out story about how his roommate was about to be home which really all narrowed down was he was trying to tell me to leave without saying it bluntly.

 And what do I do? Well the only sane thing to do, I leave and then my overthinking starts to get the better of me so I start having countless scenarios that would never happen play out on my head. Like magically this guy was going to be like, "Wow, she was a dope ass chick, let me actually get to know her!" Newsflash sweetie, it did not. We ended up hooking up 2 more times after that and it was fine, but then it happened. The mistake I would come to make countless more times during 2020. I overanalyzed my place and not necessarily importance but like my interest factor. Honestly, I have no idea how to really explain it as it is escaping my mind and I know as soon as I publish this its going to pop up like BAM and oh well.  Because here my ass came with asking questions that realistically I knew the answer to. Like this man never had any intention of anything more with me. And I'm fully aware it was messed up to expect more, I mean after all we agreed on the friends with benefit's part. But I guess that hopeless romantic girl was just kind hoping he would see more or actually want the friends part.... All I take from this is a lesson learned, and that being that just because other people can do things doesn't mean that you can or rather should. I am an empath and I thrive with connection and depth and situations like hookups and flings just don't work for me. So while it be easy to paint him as the villain, he wasn't. He got a chance and he took it, but it was my fault for setting the situation up with fake expectations. Because in reality I already had it in my mindset the thought or possibility of it turning into more. And it was wrong, you can't fault someone for taking the shot. So lesson number one: Don't go in with secret expectations! 

Now I guess the real overall gist of why I would make this the first blog post is that I want to be vulnerable. I want to break the ice, because it is hella-thick and I know this happens more to girls and guys everyday in this dating culture today. Casual hookups and ghosting have become the norm and I'm here to say I'm not with it. Like can a girl get some substance?? But in all seriousness, I am writing this blog to show others they're not alone in this dating fiasco, and for my blog to be an outlet for basic everyday struggles of being a chronic overthinker in todays world. So hopefully you guys stay tuned!