Yes, I would love to be your Doormat!

"You have been taught your legs are a pit stop for men that need a place to rest a vacant body empty enough for guests but no one ever comes and is willing to stay."

-Rupi Kaur

Excerpt from, "Milk & Honey"

Page 13

 Poetry and quotes have always resonated with me. Something so simple, subtle,  yet bold and completely unhinged has enthralled me. When my words and thoughts have escaped me it is a switch in the dark. Rupi Kaur particularly has always had a way of utterly capturing any thought that has ever crept in my mind. It is like arms gliding past my breasts and wrapping themselves tightly against my back tingling my spine with the touch of fingertips simply whispering, " You're not alone." I guess in reality you could probably say the cliché, " I have a Lesbian crush on her." Which no doubt she is absolutely gorgeous, but I'm strictly dickly. However, if you're talking about mind attraction, then yeah she is number one. I guess you might be confused as to what one could really make a blog about after that dramatic shift of commentary at the end, but buckle up buttercup I'm about to show you! 

Like most people with self esteem issues mine all resonated from trauma, and I could go into detail and believe me there would be quite a bit. And when I say bit, I mean volumes, second editions, all that shit!  Be that as it may lets focus on the good ole shenanigans and lessons id learn from it. Now let's dissect this poem particularly, while this poem doesn't have breaks in the writing I'm going to treat it as such so that I'm able to really explain each thought. So to start off, " You have been taught your legs are a pit stop for men," I was never taught that by my parents or any shit like that. My parents despite natural imperfections are normal. Like to a T normal, although if you're talking about astrological wise... they're an anomaly as they both are Taurus' but that's a whole lightyear of conversation, but to break it down fast they're each others Ying and Yang. As you can tell in my writing my ADHD thrives but it does in life so maybe that is my Ying Yang experience. Now you're like okay who taught you that rather unsavory lesson? Well, that would be my good ole trauma, that bitch thrives from personal experience and with it would birth this unhealthy notion that somehow I am responsible for everyone's happiness or satisfaction but my own. 

I like to imagine my trauma as a Teacher. In everything I have endured a lesson was taught, now whether on the first time or the tenth I can't tell you. But to be more accurate it be the tenth because I'm stubborn, like hello my parents are both Taurus' and somehow the astrological world made me an Empathic Virgo. Good one Universe! Now I could leave it at that and just give you some happy-go -lucky ball of bullshit that Trauma is just a teacher but my persistent ass has also learned a hard truth. Trauma is also a straight up emotion sucking, life altering, mind fucking bully! Now most sane people would be like keep that locked away, or if you want to spice it up bust out the curtain with a fish netted leg and give your therapist the show of a lifetime, like noteworthy show, but not me. I'm a bit more theatrical then that! So here I am, that nerd that has been locked away in her locker, hyping herself up with the best damn motivational speech all while subconsciously singing, 'Eye of the Tiger.' Trauma is generally not learned in instance, even if only occurring once it has a way of creeping up in thoughts, or situations as simple as a text. You begin to overanalyze everything, and your mind becomes like a time bomb of What-If's. Double texting, over explaining yourself, always apologetic. Whatever if may be there you're trying to comfort others because of guilt you feel for your own emotions or thoughts. You begin to realize that you have become a pit stop for not only men but people to rest but to also  lay there fucked up thought processes and ideologies, feelings and reasonings for how their emotions are valid but yours are not.  It would be simple to end this here and tell you that Trauma is the only teacher, but hey it needs a break too or maybe it's busy or it has personal development day. So what does that mean? An oversized sometimes fancy and other times sloppily wrote out name across the chalkboard. Who could it be? Oh yeah! Trauma's substitute teacher, Society! Now this bitch, she was definitely the one that was on a power trip that would inevitably leave a shit review after someone pissed her off. You know what I'm talking about! Because the next day you'd walk into the classroom and there your teacher would be leaned against the desk, hell maybe even spiced it up and sat on the desk hands clenching the edge, head down and slowly shaking in disproof . Because moments later you got a lecture about, How they can't even leave the classroom for a day because you're all on some bullshit. Society has always had a way of trying to make you feel obligated. Like somehow you owe it to people to be helpful or to accommodate them in being available. Like somehow when someone gives you attention or compliments you that you should be more than willing to please them. Like how dare you not care about how this makes me feel, or what this pressure does to me, or how I'm not ready for this level of commitment. In no way am I saying be a shitty human! But I'm also not saying that you allow any of this in the slightest, especially when it comes to your mental health of well being. You're not responsible for being everyone's safety net! Only being allowed entry when it is convenient to them or their needs. You're not responsible for being someone's extra energy boost! There to make them feel like they're not in the wrong for some half ass excused reasoning behind shitty decisions. That they ultimately know are wrong but they just want that justified agreement to seal that they're valid.  And you sure as hell are not responsible for making someone feel like your body is there relief! Now you're like what the hell does that even mean? Well I guess in my writing I also like to include notes to self. So while I'm writing, I'm also trying to remind myself of this truth. I'm not just a body. I'm not just sex. I'm worth more than a few pumps and some jaded excuse for why I'm only good enough to fuck, but not date.  I'm not your therapy. I'm not your pit stop! 

One might think that this is only targeted to dating, but in fact it goes for both relationships and friendships. I can't tell you enough the number of friendships I have had over the years that were ultimately one sided. I would go out of my way to be there, lend a hand, listen, be that shoulder only to be left when something or someone better came along to soothe them. Which brings me to the final part of this masterpiece of Rupi Kaur, "... a vacant body empty enough for guests but no one ever comes and is willing to stay."  I have been used a lot in my life, and this in no way for pity. Maybe this is even like some sort of journal that helps me be accountable to my own mistakes. Because in reality no one owes you a damn thing. You can really be as shitty as a person as you want and it be okay if you accept yourself. No, I'm not condoning that but it is true. Who you chose to be, what you chose to allow is on you! If you want to be a doormat, be a doormat. If you want to be a doorbell holding the power for who gets attention and ultimately gains entrance that is also on you. That simply meaning you can be a kind person, you can be an empathic personal, you can still be you. But you learn to stop allowing people to use you for their own gains and leave you in turmoil when they leave. You start demanding the basic respect you deserve as a person. You restrict yourself to those who are worthy of the full access of knowing you. Because you're a motherfucking Gem in this cold world!  You deserve friends that ask about you, who check on you, who care about you, who consider your feelings, who show up. In the same token, You deserve partners (because I want to be as inclusive as I can be. Love is LOVE) who put in the same energy you do, who respect you, who care about you, who value what you bring to the table. You deserve all these basic respects and so much more. I'm lucky that over the past year I have gained great friends who have helped me to thrive and have faith in my crafts. I have gained perspective and learned lessons in ways I wouldn't have normally tried. And This blog is the proof of it. 

So to end this on a strong note, self love and gathering the right people will pull the mat from underneath you and guide you on a journey you have longed for but never brave enough to venture until now. Maybe this blog will be that for you, I sure hope it will. But ultimately I just hope it shows you that you're not alone. You're not unheard, and that I have also shared in this bullshit. Fuck Doormats and anyone who makes you feel like you're one! You're worthy and capable. That you have the power. That you can be that damn majestic Ring doorbell we all want to be!