"Am I enough? " Shit the real question is, "Are you enough?"

When you look in the mirror, what is it that you see? Is it as simple as your outfit? Is it your body? Or is it all the woes in your life? Is it the imperfections? Is it the fears? Do you see that shy little girl so unsure of herself? Maybe it's the stripes engrained all over your stomach and thighs? It could be that your breasts no longer gravitate towards the lights. Or maybe all the hateful words ever said to you. Do you question all that you are not? Or perhaps, is it all that you are? These are thoughts I have often had when looking in the mirror. So many times have I seen that little girl so scared of rejection that before anyone can she hides. Shielding herself from the exclusion she fears is coming. Because she doesn't look like the other little girls. Her hair is red and kinky, freckles eclipsed all over her face. Her pale skin somehow doesn't fit the right shade in comparison. Her feet lopsided by lack of arch. Her smile too crooked. Stained by all the tea she loves to drink. So her smile is never as bright. I see that little girl that never believed in herself or her beauty because there was never any representation or when there was she was labeled as wicked, or ugly, or lacking soul. This unhealthy habit has followed me all throughout my adolescence into my adulthood and this habit stops right now! 

Mental Health, this is something I think that is sadly seen as so taboo. Because of that it doesn't nor did it get talked about enough. Now that I think about it I can't recall it being so acceptable especially when I was a child. When I was a little girl I was abnormally shy. Often the only time you could get me to talk was if I stood behind my Mothers leg. I would peer my head from behind her and my soft voice would slowly drown out until she would say to me, " Speak up." Nerved and anxious my little  voice would rattle and often I'd just stop talking, or my voice would suddenly go quieter until I said, "Nevermind." Because I realized then the focus was on me. All eyes were on me and my nerves would implode. My thoughts racing continuously and all that anxiety would creep up suffocating me until I'd give in and just remain quiet. I'd retreat behind her leg waiting for the conversation to end. Because my fear was Rejection. Something I knew all to well. Whether it would be a disagreement or my feelings being mutilated by other people in comparison. And I could say that it was people who rejected me and my feelings, but in fact I was the one rejecting myself.  I could blame it all on my anxiety, and to some degree it does play a part in it. But in all truthfulness, it is my Low self esteem that has fueled most of the rejection I have felt.  This destructive behavior would follow me all throughout my adolescence into my teens and sadly a good portion of my adulthood. Because the fear of standing up for myself, my thoughts, my body were so scary. What if people judged me? What if they stop talking to me? What if I offended them? That's never what I want to do. In fact that thought alone is crippling. It is the empath in me that is able to sympathize. While being an empath is one of my best qualities it is also my worst because in it I have allowed myself to forget the most important thing. That is, that my feelings matter. They matter a lot. In fact they matter because I feel them and they deserve the same respect as everyone else's and if I don't respect my own feelings, address my fears, raise my voice and stand up for myself, then who will? Now I know you read me say my body, I have spent quite sometime talking about my thoughts. So it is only fair to address a big part of my low Self Esteem.

Middle School, I would personally like to go on record as saying that if I could go back in time and see my childhood self I would jump off the slide and dropkick her ass across the blacktop. WHAT IN THE FUCK! I should of just been enjoying the swing and not worrying so much because the real worries didn't hit until Middle School and they were bullshit! Zero, zero is the number of photos that I could show you that do not make me cringe. Like there is no sense of individuality in any of those photos! I was always trying to fill some sort of imaginary shoes. Especially with my looks, for most of this blog you have heard about my Mental Health, and Anxiety. But now let me present to you the grandest struggle I have faced it was with my body and my ungodly urge to camouflage it.  But I can only talk about this when I add some theatrical humor, because if not this would get  mad depressing. I have always been a tomboy. Like as a kid I played with Legos, Power Rangers, had a fancy dirt bike and you get the jist. I was trying to be the boy my Mom never had. The cool sister that my brothers would be proud of. So I want you to imagine one of many glamorous looks. It was me wearing basketball shorts under sweatpants with one pant leg up. I strictly wore high top Fila's and topped this masterpiece off with a hoodie. I would do anything to avoid being the target of bullying.  Pressure to be likeable was everything. I was so determined to make a name for myself, but little did I know that my name was already known. With it a shadow would cover me and it was a pain in the ass! I played volleyball in middle school, for one year. I did it to make my brothers happy and to carry on some damn legacy. Because they all played sports, and had some sort of artistic talent, and anywhere I went that is all I heard about. Teachers rarely used my first name, it was always, "Roldan." Just another one in the bunch. This is a hell of a weight to carry when you're always trying to fill shoes, and I never could seem to do it right. Oh, and let me not forget my goth/scene kid stage! I would wear leggings with skulls underneath my shorts. And these shorts went to my knees. I finished this look with a dash of sharpie on off-brand converse and you guessed it! A hoodie! I mean you could never go wrong with a hoodie... But the problem is, you can't always wear a hoodie. And that is where a Big problem would thrive. Anyways, so if you have following a long with my previous blogs you will have read that I have big boobs. When I say BIG I mean they weigh about 10 pounds each. For further context, if I really tried I could probably smash a pop can. Most girls gain breasts when they go through puberty, but for some reason I am a freak of nature. Why? Because I was born with them. No, I'm not shitting you. My Mom produced so much breast milk that it transferred to me. So I was a newborn with breasts for about two weeks. And you'd probably think oh, that sometimes happens and I probably progressed fine after that. Well, WRONG! In 5th grade I had a size C cup. Do you know what it's like to try to feel comfortable when every one else around you can just wear a shirt and not have to worry about a bra? And surely you'd think that for the rest of my teen years that my breasts would stay at an acceptable size? Wrong again, because I had a Triple D cup in High School. Then Pregnancy, breast growth is normal and to be expected. Well, I did not expect ending it with a size H cup. Having big breasts has come with a big price to my self esteem. Because I never knew if anyone actually liked me. It was like being famous and having a group of people suddenly like you, and you always having that thought in the back of your head, do they actually like me? Or do they just like my breasts? Not the questions you generally want to ponder as a pre teen, especially not when you're heading to high school next. Kids are cruel, but teens they're ruthless. Roasting is a thing, and it sucks to be at the other end of it. Especially when society makes you it's punch line. 

Do you know what it's like to be labeled as evil, wicked, ugly, step (even though I wasn't?)? Do you know what it's like to be called Fire crotch? Have people constantly ask if the carpet matches the drapes. Do you know what it's like to have society label you before you even have a chance to introduce yourself? Because I do. Any representation of Red heads has always had such a negative connotation to it. Like in Cinderella, it was her Ugly Redhead Step Sister. Or it is in every joke that Red Heads have no soul. Growing up I was always excluded for that very fact. Anytime that someone had a problem with me those would be there choice of weapons. This would travel in middle school all the way to High School where sexual thoughts would peak in to every teens mind. The taunts somehow changed, and now I was always answering the question, " Does the carpet's match the drapes?" Or when I would piss them off be called, "Fire Crotch." People can be cruel, and somehow my own body became a joke. Mortified does not even cover what I felt when they would comment about my boobs being saggy. I wore sports bras all the time because I didn't actually know for the longest what size I wore. Because I was embarrassed that they were that big. I was always wishing that my breasts looked like the other girls. I would straighten my hair because I wanted to fit in. Somehow every morning waking up as early as I could to try and erase my curls. Anything to feel accepted. But how could I be accepted? Like I'm over here deep frying my damn hair. You smell that? Crispy. To say that I was never anyone's crush would be an understatement. But Junior year changed a bit. Maybe it was me trying to be more comfortable with myself, maybe it was me being a comedian, or maybe it was me discovering a push up bra. Hmm, well whatever it was (push-up bra) I soon gained the attention I thought I wanted. Soon I'd meet a guy that made me feel like I actually existed. Finally! Someone could see me? Right? No, this meeting would be the beginning of a very dark chapter in my life. One that I will talk about in a future blog, because If I did in this one you would be reading a saga. So for this reason I'm just going to say that it left me fairly fucked up and searching for my worth in men. Hoping that a relationship would solidify my worth. THIS PISSES ME OFF! This instance of myself angers me to my core, because I look back and I just want to slap the shit out of myself! But in the same token I actually just want to hug her. Remind her that she is Beautiful, despite what people have said. That she has worth, despite what people have tried to take from her. That she is strong, despite how much hurt and damage people inflicted on her. So from here to the end, let me show you what time and learning about SELF LOVE has done and why I wish I learned about it sooner.

 I use to think that being single was the worst thing, but it isn't. I have experienced proof of that in unhealthy relationships by being mentally abused, brainwashed, assaulted. For what? To have that shallow fucked up notion that it was Love? Allowing myself to become a toy for men who dared to show me attention and give me the bare minimum when it was convenient for them. Hating myself after because I couldn't look at myself in the mirror.  Dangling possibilities of more in front of me if I was good enough. I would grant people access to use me. Becoming a doormat for anyone to walk in and out of my life without boundaries. Do you know what this did? It made me feel ugly inside. I began to hate myself. The idea of my own body made me sick. Because it didn't look like everyone else's. It was big, but only in certain areas. It was stretch mark central! There was so much uneven and non existent. How could anyone want me, or ever want to show me off?  I had become everything I swore never to be. Somehow what made it worse was this  fucked up thought maybe it be different next time. Like maybe next time it work, maybe next time they would love me. Maybe next time I'd be good enough, maybe next time I'd be enough. These very questions have a way of slowly ripping apart the seams of your Mental Health, and leaving you with trauma. THIS, THIS is where SELF LOVE was taught for me. I wish for that to be so different. I wish somebody would of told me that I was beautiful. I wish society wouldn't have labeled me and gave me these negative connotations. I wish that someone would of told me that my body is glorious just how it is. That all of it's curves were more than fine. That being different was good. That I am vibrant just as I am. That I can be sexy, and be respected. That I can be worthy of all the things women of smaller sizes, with different hair colors and textures have. That all of our bodies are beautiful and deserving of love. I wish that more time was spent teaching girls to be whole on their own without trying to fill a void or spot to be considered complete or valued. Most of all I wish that I hadn't spent so many years letting fear lead me to self destruct. This is by far the most unhealthy pattern that I have faced and still from time to time struggle with. Because trauma doesn't just go away, especially if you don't change your patterns. So let me say this loud and proud, I AM CHANGING THESE MOTHERFUCKING PATTERNS!

Sugar Coating, I will NEVER sugarcoat shit to you. As ugly as it is, as ugly as it was, and as ugly as it is going to get. I will be real with you! Because I want the rest of my life to be lived as Authentically as I can. Learning to love yourself regardless of all your imperfections, changing bad habits and facing past traumas is nothing short of a Miraculous Achievement that you should celebrate! I am not perfect, nor will I ever be. Nor do I ever want to be. I'm me, and that is the premise of this whole blog. This is me learning to love myself in spite of all that I have experienced. So how do you do that? Well, I'm glad you asked. Sometimes lessons have a way of appearing in the most uncanny ways. While browsing TIKTOK, I saw a girl bring up some shows that highlight plus size women and roles. The one that stood out to me was, "My Mad Fat Diary." I did not anticipate falling in love with that show or becoming glued to it the way I did. I resonated with the character Rae so much. And some of the lessons she learned were spot on for me, others not so much. However, I did gain some perspective from those lessons as well. Overall, for anyone looking for a new show to Binge then I would rate this a 10/10. But to get back to the reason I brought this up there was this one lesson she learned that has brought me a new form of self care and love to help me when I feel like I'm losing control of myself. In this episode Rae is talking with her therapist Kessler, and Kessler is trying to get her to talk about the real reason she faces as many problems as she has. He keeps pressing her to say out loud what it is that the real problem is. So Rae shouts out all her self hate and doubt and how she feels she is ugly because of her weight and how no one will want her. In doing that he then asked her to think about the little girl that realized life wasn't fair and to the moment self doubt entered. So instantly Rae has an image of her pop in a field. Kessler then tells her to imagine that girl sitting on the couch next to them. Then he proceeds to tell her to tell that little girl she is not worthy of love. Tell that little girl that she is ugly and fat. Tell that little girl all the things you say to yourself.  Tell that little girl you hate her. Rae becomes so angry and snaps saying that she won't! Kessler then says the most enlightening thing, telling her that every time she says hateful things to herself that she is basically saying all that to that little girl. Because that little girl is her. So instead to learn to speak lovingly to herself. Especially when she is overwhelmed or losing control. To remind herself that she is worthy. That every time she is losing her control and self doubt begins to enter her mind to fight it with positive thoughts and self talk. That this is self soothing. This lesson, so simple and yet the moment I heard it I began to ball my eyes out. How many times had I been ruthless to the little girl inside of me? How many times had I been so hateful to myself because I was trying to compete and change myself to fit some fucked up version of beauty? What because society said that it was acceptable? Because the men I allowed myself to be used by said those girls were beautiful? That only those girls deserved love? Well let me say this LOUD and PROUD and clear, "FUCK THAT, FUCK THEM, and FUCK SOCIETY!" I am more than my body! I am more than my mistakes! I am more than worthy to be loved for exactly as I am. I am just as beautiful as other girls. And our beauty should never be used to hate on or discredit another woman's beauty. Together as a society, our standard for beauty should be based on accepting one just as they are. To encourage young girls to love the skin they're in. Because they will become women who should carry themselves as the queens they're! So the next time I lose control, the next time I start to overthink and wonder if I am worthy I am going to self soothe. What's crazy is I have heard this idea before, but for some reason Kessler's way of putting it, and Rae bringing it to life on film just clicked. So in the moments I will face, and I do know I will face these thoughts again. Because I'm human and life sometimes is cruel. Instead of feeding self doubt, I am going to tell myself I'm beautiful and I'm worthy. I will stop destroying myself and shrinking myself to fit in places and with people who don't mean shit! I will embrace my body and it's imperfections. Because I am Beautiful, Strong, and SEXY just the way I am. And Maybe this is just me, but fighting your thoughts and embracing the skin you're in is BADASS! I am a BADASS! To end this on a strong note I found this quote that I feel fits perfectly. It is by @FemaleInspiring, "Self Love is Not the Destination. Self Love is the Starting Point." So this Blog is me starting because I deserve the love I so freely give to people and it's starts inside. So I'm changing my inside to fit what was always outside, and I don't know about you, but this is a journey I'm excited to be on! 

For anyone interested in the show, you can find it on HULU, "My Mad Fat Diary."

In regards to the episode I'm referring to: Season 2, Episode 7, "Glue."