Boundary, Boundary, Where Far Out my Boundaries??

         There are times when I read my posts and I'm like, " DAMN! This girl is hella inspiring!" And then their are other times that I feel like I'm a fraud. How can I sum everything up and wrap it in a bow when some days it feels like I'm struggling to stay above the water? But do you know what? I can be both. Because that makes me real. I'm not perfect, and I will never pretend to be. I'm a heavily flawed person, woman and Mom. I make mistakes, like I straight FUCK IT UP SOMETIMES. And even though I take each mistake and try to learn a lesson from my it. The lesson does not come without me beating myself up with guilt. And that is unhealthy. I have been trying to work through why it is I feel that way... And the anwser I came up with is my Lack of Boundaries. My lack of Control. My Unsavory Tendencies to put everything and everyone before me. Why is it I do that? I could give you a million and one reasons and counting, but the truth is it narrows down to just 2 factors:

1. My fear of  Failing and letting people down

2. Loving myself enough 

Now I know there will be some that say you can Love yourself and still struggle to set boundaries, and I wholeheartedly agree. But I also think I need to hold my self accountable for the level of straight Bullshit I have tolerated because I didn't value my time and efforts. And I STILL STRUGGLE with setting boundaries. I'm a work in progress and I'm always going to be and I don't mind that because it means I'm always learning. But for this Blog I'm going to tackle each one of these and address them head on. And you my Dear Reader, I hope I can be that water that lifts you up. That reminds you that it's okay to be a continually growing being. 

        Movies; or as Dan Cook would say, "Cinematic Adventures." They're one of my absolute favorite things. I will get deeply drawn into them. The way people are able to tell stories and bring writing to life is absolutely astonishing to me. The fact that I have fell for more fictitious people than in reality is an ode to my love of the big screen. And I don't know about y'all but I find myself a lot of time reacting as though I'm in some damn movie. Like I will straight look at an imaginary camera and roll my eyes or give a stern, "Can you believe this shit?" look about 90 percent of my day. And there are times where I find myself imaging simultaneously scenarios and my brain just never shuts off truthfully. And it be fair to say you're probably wondering why and the hell I'm on this tangent.... Well, first, GOOD QUESTION, but I promise this is just the set up so bare with me. I love Movies and storylines. There is nothing more entertaining then being immersed in a story. I love everything about the dynamics that go into creating a great film down to the story and characters and cast all the way to the set up and development. Like I FAN GIRL the shit out of Movies. I will be in the theatre watching these films taking notes. I want to know where so and so got their throw pillows, because I ain't seen none like that at the Walmart. And I want to know where those quotes came from that they subtly or very boldly talk about.  Because I'm going to let you guys in on something about me. I LOVE QUOTES! I am that person in the theatre who will open their phone and write a draft of something a character has said. And sometimes it's just me typing sporadically and doesn't make a whole lot of sense. like if someone was to read some of these notes you would question if I handed my phone over to a candy hyped toddler. But the real reason and crazy contradiction is I absolutely hate when people have their phones on in the movie texting or calling. And let's say it together, "HYPOCRITCAL BULLSHIT ALERT!" I understand life's duties like if you need to anwser a call because of an emergency or something, no problem. But if you're on the phone trying to make plans that could easily be texted and speaking louder than the movie I hope you step on a LEGO. Anyways, back to the point of this! There is one movie in particular that when I think about it I hear the quote. The movie I'm referencing is, "A Cinderella Story," Yes, the one with Hilary Duff. It wasn't even her quote but the moment I saw that quote on the wall at the Diner It struck me.  And whenever I see myself struggling with fear of failing I repeat this to myself; " Never let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game." Yes, I do realize that was the longest set up on how to bring this topic together but I do hope you enjoyed yourself. Failure is and has such a negative connotation. In regards to why it has caused me to have boundary issues it goes back to my fear of not being good enough. Not being strong enough. Not being  whatever the hell anyone has ever wanted me to be. To set expectations or family goals or friend roles I'm not sure exactly where the fear started but I know it is here in the idea of failing. I'm the oldest girl in my family. I'm the oldest grandchild. The oldest niece and the oldest daughter. I have felt my whole life that I had to be perfect. That I had to set the example. There was no room for screw up's. And yeah your Parents or your Family want what's best for you and sure somewhere in there they had expectations but never as drastic and strict as I put upon myself. I always tried so hard. Pushing myself to my limits. Over extending myself. Because I was scared that the moment I stopped that I would lose people. That they would leave because if I didn't do it who would? What would happen if I didn't make sure my clothes were all neatly folded, if I didn't get good grades or follow all the rules, would it set a bad example for my younger siblings? What would happen if I didn't go to every outing with my friends? Would they understand I'm a Mom? Would they think I'm lame? Would they stop inviting me? Would they stop liking me? What would happen If I didn't have sex? Would they still be interested in me? Would they still talk to me? Would they still want me? What if I offend them?  Saying this out loud as I type makes me cringe. Because I realize that my stride to feeling loved and not setting boundaries has only led to me being crippled with anxiety, exhausted, and taken advantage of. All that for what? Because in the end when all is said and done I feel Guilt. I feel Shame. I feel like I'm Failing because I know that is not what Love is suppose to be like. Me not Setting Boundaries has tainted my perception of things. It has allowed me to turn a blind eye to what I should not tolerate.  My stride to be liked, loved, included, and perfect has drove me into a wall. Because Yes why I am loved and I love people my love becomes jaded by my fear of failing people. That because I have not Set Boundaries I have sacrificed the most important thing, My Happiness, My Growth, My Needs, My Wants, My Desires, and My Peace. And now that I know where the problem of why I struggle to set boundaries lives I need to create a plan of how I will love myself and work on creating Healthy Boundaries.

        Boundaries in general are so foreign to me. So this is a new adventure and I'm glad I got to share is with you. Boundaries are made up with expectations you set for yourself. Key word being. "YOU." Not what your parents expect, what your siblings expect, what your friends expect, or partners expect. Yes, you should respect their boundaries, everyone should respect everyone's, but that does not mean neglecting your own. So how do I respect my own boundaries and expectations? What does that look like? Boundaries look like my saying, "No," to going out when I'm exhausted from a day's work. It is me being aware of when my plate is full and not adding more on  because I'm scared that It will upset someone. It looks like me taking time for myself when I'm overwhelmed. It looks like me remembering that I deserve things too and not to forget about myself when shopping. Yes, gift giving is one of my love languages, but it is okay to gift things for myself as well.  It looks like me saying, "Hey the way you said that to me was not okay," and explaining why I feel the way I do instead of bottling it up or repressing my emotions for the sake of others. Because when I do this I honor myself and my feelings. When I do this I stop carrying the weight of expectations from others. When I do this I am respecting myself. It looks like me demanding to be treated as more than just my body. That I am a person worthy of love and affection. That I deserve to have someone respect my time and effort and match it. Boundaries looks like saying, "NO", when I actually don't want to have sex. It looks like me demanding the effort and creativity I put in to dates. It looks like me standing up and saying I am Worthy of all this and more. Now, will this change overnight, can I do this overnight? No, but I'm working on it. I'm taking the steps and I'm proud of myself. Growth comes in all shapes and sizes, boundaries and expectations and here is to growing!